Most touching thing I've seen in a while...

"Death is not the extinguishment of the light. It is merely turning off the lamp because the Dawn has come." -Chuck Volz

It will be a year on February 3 since Danny passed away, and from that day forward I'm going to make a true effort to a. be on here more and b. not make Danny the only thing I write about. He is my best friend and always will be, it's just something that I need to gather my faith for and move on from. I am excited about the golf tournament I will be hosting in his honor on March 21, 2009 at Lake Diamond Golf and Country Club. I hope that we will have a great turnout and that I will do him proud. As for now, it is most definitely my bed time.

Winter Comes and Goes...

When winter falls next year,
I’ll be holding on to anything nailed down.
As for being patient,
With fate and all it's getting old.
And my mind is slowly changing.

I’m calling all my oldest friends,
Saying sorry for this mess we’re in.
And I’m waiting, waiting,
For the sun to come and melt this snow,
Wash away the pain and give me back control, control.

An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

Should we still set his plate?
Should we still save his chair?
Should we still buy him gifts?
And if we don’t did we not care?

It makes you think about the life you've led,
The shit you’ve done, the things you've said,
And its grounding, grounding.
I’ve been feeling 3 feet tall this month, hardly indestructible,
But the snow melts and the rhythm still goes on.

An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We’d all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

Friends stay side by side.
In life and death you’ve always stole my heart.
You’ll always mean so much to me it’s hard to believe this.

These nights in vans,
These nights in bars,
Don’t mean a thing with empty hearts.
With empty hearts.

An angel got his wings and we'll hold our heads up,
Knowing that he’s fine.
We'd all be lucky to have a love like that in a lifetime.

Friends stay side by side.
In life and death you always stole my heart.
You’ve always meant so much to me it’s hard to believe.
So much to me it’s hard to believe.
So much to me it’s hard to believe this.


Christmas is here, and Danny is not. Forgive me, for I have a new boyfriend and he's made it crystal clear that he doesn't like me talking about him. I "talk about him too much," "Danny this, Danny that." Talking is how I deal, and after 10 almost 11 months I haven't dealt. The thought of someone dying makes me cringe. The Caylee Anthony story makes me sick. How could someone who has everything terminate the life of a defensless baby? I have woken up three nights in a row crying for that baby girl. I brought Poinsettias to Danny's parent's house. I love them as if they were my own family... and just knowing that it's their first Christmas without their 16 year old boy (now 17), it breaks my heart. I miss the shit out of him, from I hate you's to I love you's, he was my everything.

RIP Danny, Christmas '08.

:)

We are all but recent leaves on the same old tree of life and if this life has adapted itself to new functions and conditions, it uses the same old basic principles over and over again. There is no real difference between the grass and the man who mows it. We are products of our environment. We grow without notice.Do you settle for being boring or are you doing something extraordinary? I ask you, If a tree falls in an empty forest, and noone is there to hear the crash, does it make any sound? What is sound? We have our own interpretations of what we believe without knowing the true definition. Broaden your mind, expand your horizons. Read something you don't believe in. If the grass is greener on your side, tell me why. Why are you content being where you are when you could expand in your ingenuity. We are set forth to be created, not to be enveloped in creation. Look at life through these eyes and tell me what you see. Do I look the same to you as I do to him? We have different interpretations of beauty, life, and time.Trust yourself and be true to you. Work on being a better person, well rounded, at peace. A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure. Be sure of your position in life, have one opinion. Pride yourself in seeking the truth- question yourself if you find it. Be political; Be steadfast. Don't change your mind easily, for it is what represents you. Strive to be something bigger than you are. Be young, have an old mind. Be wise for your age, and wiser than most. Invent yourself, still know who you are and where you stand in this crazy scheme. For this is your time; do with it what you may.

Fly on proud bird, you're free at last.

A brief candle; both ends burning

An endless mile; a bus wheel turning

A friend to share the lonesome times

A handshake and a sip of wine

So say it loud and let it ring

We are all a part of everything

The future, present and the past

Fly on proud bird You're free at last.

It's incredible the array of feelings that are flooding in and out of me right now. I cannot begin to express the absolute sorrow that has been lingering since January 26, 2008 and still remains- as fresh as before...actually quite possibly worsening. My faith has taken a toll, and is showing no signs of improvement. I am suddenly questioning everything- even things I was adamant about before. Where is God, who is God? What is a God that would take away 7 very loved boys; Josh, Jacob, Isaac, Devon, Smiley, Danny and now Rob?

Ever since I first met Danny, I couldn't imagine a life without him. For ten years that kid was my best friend, the person I went to for everything. Grant it, when we got into the last years of highschool we grew apart a little... but we always knew where we stood with eachother. He was supposed to be the one to dance with me at my wedding, be my best friend forever. Valentine's Day and Christmas Candy grams in elementary school, fireworks on New Years. Late night talks about everything, fist fights and empty "I hate you's". What kind of God would take him or any of those innocent boys away? He was so loved and had so much to offer until his life was just taken. Still, I've been okay, as this series of events isn't only affecting me.

But now I'm sick. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I cannot believe what happening in such a close knit, small city like Ocala. One specific group is being plagued with tragedy after tragedy, why? They that love boyond the world cannot be separated, for death cannot kill what never dies. Although love never dies, hope and reason sometimes does. I feel so close to Danny and Jacob even now, yet it's incredible how far away we actually are. My heart breaks every day a little more; seeing a picture or hearing a song. I thought that things would get easier over time but it is seemingly getting worse.

I see that accepting these losses is detrimental to moving on and giving light to the memory of those lost. For 9 months I have pretended that Danny is on vacation, having fun fishing and surfing, smiling and laughing. I don't know what to do now? I want to honor his memory, but I cannot honor his memory when I still haven't admitted he's gone. The year 2008 has been so hard to comprehend, still so difficult to fathom. I want to find relief to the sorrow that I'm feeling, yet I cannot seem to get away from it.

If when we exist there is no death, then when we die there still is life. I'm fighting to think of the short 16 years that Danny lived on this earth as just his initiation. I've heard that there's a whole unbelievable life beyond what you and I can see, and seven very beautiful boys are living there. Perfection is fesable, and quite often standard. I want to believe that this life is attainable and that this is where my best friend really is. I'm kicking myself for having such serious doubts but I cannot improve my faith given the circumstances. I try, I truly do- but something so serious cannot be changed without work and enlightenment. I need church, I need light. I want to be good, I want to be one of the people that has truly changed since these tragedies. I want people to notice a difference in me, the difference that I feel but just can't find a way to project yet. Yet being key.