Fly on proud bird, you're free at last.

A brief candle; both ends burning

An endless mile; a bus wheel turning

A friend to share the lonesome times

A handshake and a sip of wine

So say it loud and let it ring

We are all a part of everything

The future, present and the past

Fly on proud bird You're free at last.

It's incredible the array of feelings that are flooding in and out of me right now. I cannot begin to express the absolute sorrow that has been lingering since January 26, 2008 and still remains- as fresh as before...actually quite possibly worsening. My faith has taken a toll, and is showing no signs of improvement. I am suddenly questioning everything- even things I was adamant about before. Where is God, who is God? What is a God that would take away 7 very loved boys; Josh, Jacob, Isaac, Devon, Smiley, Danny and now Rob?

Ever since I first met Danny, I couldn't imagine a life without him. For ten years that kid was my best friend, the person I went to for everything. Grant it, when we got into the last years of highschool we grew apart a little... but we always knew where we stood with eachother. He was supposed to be the one to dance with me at my wedding, be my best friend forever. Valentine's Day and Christmas Candy grams in elementary school, fireworks on New Years. Late night talks about everything, fist fights and empty "I hate you's". What kind of God would take him or any of those innocent boys away? He was so loved and had so much to offer until his life was just taken. Still, I've been okay, as this series of events isn't only affecting me.

But now I'm sick. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I cannot believe what happening in such a close knit, small city like Ocala. One specific group is being plagued with tragedy after tragedy, why? They that love boyond the world cannot be separated, for death cannot kill what never dies. Although love never dies, hope and reason sometimes does. I feel so close to Danny and Jacob even now, yet it's incredible how far away we actually are. My heart breaks every day a little more; seeing a picture or hearing a song. I thought that things would get easier over time but it is seemingly getting worse.

I see that accepting these losses is detrimental to moving on and giving light to the memory of those lost. For 9 months I have pretended that Danny is on vacation, having fun fishing and surfing, smiling and laughing. I don't know what to do now? I want to honor his memory, but I cannot honor his memory when I still haven't admitted he's gone. The year 2008 has been so hard to comprehend, still so difficult to fathom. I want to find relief to the sorrow that I'm feeling, yet I cannot seem to get away from it.

If when we exist there is no death, then when we die there still is life. I'm fighting to think of the short 16 years that Danny lived on this earth as just his initiation. I've heard that there's a whole unbelievable life beyond what you and I can see, and seven very beautiful boys are living there. Perfection is fesable, and quite often standard. I want to believe that this life is attainable and that this is where my best friend really is. I'm kicking myself for having such serious doubts but I cannot improve my faith given the circumstances. I try, I truly do- but something so serious cannot be changed without work and enlightenment. I need church, I need light. I want to be good, I want to be one of the people that has truly changed since these tragedies. I want people to notice a difference in me, the difference that I feel but just can't find a way to project yet. Yet being key.